how to negotiate without feeling like you are begging

Why it feels like begging

A graphic designer in Kozhikode quotes ₹40,000 for a brand identity. The client says, "That's a bit high." She replies, "Okay, I can do 30," within two seconds. Later she works out that the job took her three weeks.

A sales head in Pune gets a job offer and accepts on the spot because asking for more "felt ungrateful".

A spice exporter in Kochi is told by a packaging supplier that prices are going up 12 percent. He agrees, because he does not know how to push back without sounding like he is haggling at a market.

The feeling of begging comes from three places: no clear alternative, no reason attached to the number, and the belief that asking will damage the relationship. Each of these can be fixed before the conversation starts.

Step one: know your alternative

The most useful idea in negotiation comes from Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton's Getting to Yes, developed at Harvard's Program on Negotiation: your BATNA, or best alternative to a negotiated agreement. It is what you will do if this deal does not happen.

• For the designer: other clients in the pipeline, or the time to pitch them.
• For the job seeker: the current role, or another offer.
• For the exporter: two other packaging suppliers he has not called yet.

Your alternative is your confidence. When you know what you will do if the answer is no, you stop pleading for a yes. Write it down before every negotiation, along with your walk-away point: the number below which you would rather take the alternative.

If your alternative is weak, improve it before you negotiate. One call to a second supplier changes how the first conversation sounds.

Your alternative is your confidence.

Step two: open with a number, and give it a reason

Many people wait for the other side to name a figure. Research suggests there is often an advantage in going first. In a series of experiments published in 2001, Adam Galinsky and Thomas Mussweiler found that whichever side made the first offer tended to get a better outcome, because the first number acts as an anchor for the rest of the conversation.

Precision helps too. A 2013 study by Malia Mason and colleagues at Columbia found that precise first offers (₹14,750 rather than ₹15,000) led to counteroffers that moved less, because a precise number suggests you have done your homework.

So the designer's quote becomes:

"For the full brand identity, including logo, colours, type and the guidelines document, my fee is ₹46,500. That reflects about three weeks of work and two rounds of revisions."

Number, what it covers, one reason. No apology, no "if that's okay".

A caution: anchoring is not a licence to be extreme. An offer that seems unreasonable can end the conversation or damage trust. Aim ambitious but defensible.

Step three: say it, then stop

The hardest part of negotiating for most people is the silence after the number. The urge to fill it ("but we can discuss it", "I'm flexible") gives away value before the other person has even replied.

Say the number. Then wait. Count to five in your head if you need to. Silence after a clear figure feels long to you and normal to them.

Step four: when they push back, ask instead of justify

When the other side says "That's too high", the instinct is to defend every rupee. Long justification sounds like begging. Questions sound like business.

• "What were you expecting?"
• "Which part of the scope matters most to you?"
• "What would make this work on your side?"
• "Is it the total, or the timing of payments?"

Galinsky and Mussweiler's research has a useful flip side here: when the person receiving a first offer focuses on information that points the other way (their own alternatives, the other side's walk-away), the anchor loses much of its pull. So if they anchor first, do not argue with their number. Re-anchor calmly with your own reasoning.

"I understand the budget is 30. For 30, I can do the logo and colours, without the guidelines document. For the full set, it stays at 46,500."

Step five: trade, do not concede

Every time you give something, ask for something back. This keeps the deal balanced and stops a negotiation turning into a slide.

• Salary: "If the fixed pay can't move beyond 18, could we review it at six months rather than twelve, and add a joining bonus?"
• Freelance rate: "I can reduce the fee if we move to a 50 percent advance."
• Vendor: "We can accept a 6 percent increase if you hold it for twelve months and give us 45-day payment terms."
• A business deal: "We'll take on the extra territory if the minimum order drops for the first two quarters."

"If you..., then I..." is the most useful sentence shape in negotiation.

Scripts for four common negotiations

Salary, after an offer

"Thank you, I'm genuinely excited about this role. Based on the scope and what similar roles pay in Bengaluru, I was expecting a fixed component closer to 21.5 lakh. Is there flexibility there?"

Your rate, with a new client

"My rate for this kind of project is ₹3,800 an hour, or a fixed fee of ₹1.2 lakh for the scope we discussed. Which would work better for you?"

A supplier raising prices

"I appreciate you telling us early. A 12 percent increase is hard for us to absorb this season. We've had quotes nearer 5. What can you do to bring this closer?"

A business deal with a partner

"We both want this to work for the long term. Here's what we need for it to make sense on our side, and here's where we have flexibility."

Negotiating as a woman, or as the junior person

It would be dishonest to pretend everyone is received the same way. A widely cited 2007 study by Hannah Riley Bowles, Linda Babcock and Lei Lai found that evaluators penalised women more than men for initiating salary negotiations, especially when the evaluator was a man. The lesson is not to stop asking. It is to frame the ask in a way that is hard to read as demanding: link it to the role, the organisation's interest, or a relationship you want to keep.

"I want to make sure I can give this role my full attention for the long term, which is why I'd like to discuss the package."

The same framing helps anyone who is junior, new to a country or negotiating with someone more powerful.

Keeping the relationship warm

Most negotiations are with people you will see again: an employer, a regular client, a supplier of ten years. A few habits keep the tone warm.

• Separate the person from the problem. "I value working with you. The price is the issue, not you."
• Agree something early, even something small, before the hard part.
• Summarise at the end. "So we've agreed 6 percent, held for twelve months, with 45-day terms. I'll send this in writing today."
• Follow up in writing the same day. A short email turns a spoken agreement into a clear one.

In a second language

Negotiating in English when it is not your first language adds pressure, and pressure makes people concede quickly just to end the discomfort. Prepare three things in writing: your opening line with the number, your reason in one sentence, and two questions you will ask if they push back. When you need time, say so: "Let me think about that and come back to you by tomorrow." Nobody serious will rush you.

Sources

1. Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, BATNA Basics: Boost Your Power at the Bargaining Table (on the concept from Fisher, Ury and Patton's Getting to Yes). www.pon.harvard.edu/freemium/batna-basics-boost-your-power-at-the-bargaining-table
2. Adam D. Galinsky and Thomas Mussweiler, First Offers as Anchors: The Role of Perspective-Taking and Negotiator Focus, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(4), 657 to 669, 2001. www.kellogg.northwestern.edu/faculty/research/detail/2001/first-offers-as-anchors-the-role-of-perspective-taking
3. Malia F. Mason, Alice J. Lee, Elizabeth A. Wiley and Daniel R. Ames, Precise Offers Are Potent Anchors, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 49, 759 to 763, 2013. doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2013.02.012
4. Hannah Riley Bowles, Linda Babcock and Lei Lai, Social Incentives for Gender Differences in the Propensity to Initiate Negotiations: Sometimes It Does Hurt to Ask, Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 103(1), 84 to 103, 2007. doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2006.09.001

Published by The Full Stop, the journal of Brightside English. Reviewed by a Brightside senior coach. Corrections: see our editorial standard.